a semblance of knowing.

I want what I blog and write about to have integrity, to truly live what I write, and not what I hope to be. Dear God, help me to do this.

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me
She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech
That turned to mine and asked belligerently
“What do I live for?”

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go
From hearts to wars to literature to radio
There’s a question like a shame no one will show
“What do I live for?”

We are Hosea’s wife
We are squandering this life
Using people like ladders and words like knives

[CHORUS]
If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths
The word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin

There is truth in little corners of our lives
There are hints of it in songs and children’s eyes
It’s familiar, like an ancient lullaby
What do I live for?

We are Hosea’s wife
We are squandering this life
Using bodies like money and truth like lies

[CHORUS]

[Bridge]
We are more than dust
That means something
That means something
We are more than just
Blood and emotions
Inklings and notions
Atoms on ocean

Ritual was something I had been asking for, and got it.

Filling up the super long OMF form for mission trip application had me doing lots of soul-searching: What kind of person am I? Why do I believe? How would I explain my relationship with God to a friend?

And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting place,
You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,
Of the Master in your face.

Reminders from yesterday (and for everyday):

“Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regards to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.” – 1 Cor 14:20

“Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church.” – 1 Cor 14:12

(And I only write this because I care)
The world revolves around you.
Disregard basic human values,
Integrity, respect, honesty.
Consideration for others.
Let your no be yes.
Your yes be no.
Keep your options open.
Go on, and get away with it.
Go on, and win.
Go on, and get numb.
Go on,
And you will lose.

Each day Jesus was teaching at the temple, and each evening he went out to spend the night on the hill called the Mount of Olives, and all the people came early in the morning to hear him at the temple. (Luke 21:37-38)

Sound advice for day-to-day living. This is what’s getting me through.

I’m supposed to be concentrating on my lesson right now but just so many thoughts are permeating and bouncing all over the place. Google Reader and twitter does not help at all. I feel like I have so much I want to blog about, yet what happened yesterday? I fell asleep. I am so lazy, even for the things I love doing.

There are so many exciting things in the next couple of weeks/months. Alaska’s birthday is next week and I have yet to plan what I am going to do, but I’m probably going to make something and it will be fun.

I will be going for open water diving certification at the end of the month and it’s something I never expected to be doing. It’s exciting stuff too.

And of course there’s Helen’s wedding in August, and after tossing around ideas for our item I’m really looking forward to be doing something creative for that too.

I love making and creating things. But I still lack discipline to do them as well.

I bought a second- Alienware laptop from a friend which is in actual fact a gaming laptop, so it’s super powerful. I’m looking forward to taking it around. I’ve missed having a proper laptop since my Thinkpad died.

So much excitement. But naggingly I haven’t been thinking about my future as I was supposed to be doing. I need to focus on my life and make concrete plans, stop being blown around by the wind, floating around without direction and letting other people decide for me. God gave me particular gifts and passions for a reason and I am not letting it go to waste. It’s a challenge now as to where I go from here. Where do I look for work? People have given me ideas but I haven’t gotten down to doing them. I need to do up applications and look at applying for masters, or another degree if necessary. Dear God, please give me direction as to where I should go from here. I need to work on my blog, certainly, and my portfolio. I need to answer these hard questions and make difficult decisions and make the effort if I want to chase these dreams- things are not going to be served up on a platter for me.

I want to do crafty things with my mum each week, when she gets back. Make more of those birthday boxes that I came up with last year. If it goes well, I may even be able to sell them.

Philosophical thoughts on the way to dinner:

This is lame but- simply reading a person’s blog make me happy. Simply because he is such a positive soul. Just walking along the path towards relish, things just seem extra bright and beautiful in the glare of the late afternoon sun. The yellow flowers seem yellower. And I wish of course to have such positive people as my friends being that they are so few. And he is not just happy, he is so humble. I was just reading in dc abt how impt it is to make people feel impt and appreciated. And when I saw his fb profile, I knew the appeal. He writes, “I am looking forward to getting to know better.”

It boils down to this: he is genuinely interested in other people and sees them as valuable. How many ordinary people do that, much less famous ones? Or perchance he is famous precisely because he treats people with respect.

What is the point of blogs? I have been blog trawling a lot lately, and I wonder whether my blog is kinda.. narcisstic lately. What’s the point of a blog if it doesn’t contribute to society but simply to feed one’s own selfish desire to be heard? Is self-expression a good enough reason for a blog? Yet what is a blog if it isn’t wholehearted and honest? Whens you start to think so much about your audience, your blog starts to lose its soul. Or if you start to think so much about whether or not it offends anyone, or is being a good testimony, or is entertaining or interesting. Trying too hard can destroy all charm to a blog. Or trying too much to follow what other people are doing on their blogs. So the line to balance: to be real yet matter. I think you can be both if one has a genuine interest in something other than the furtherance of self. It boils down to the kind of person you are.

It’s like birthday parties. There’s nothing wrong with throwing a party simply to spend time with loved ones. But it could be put to much greater use- have an actual output- with little effort. Like raising funds for a charity. It’s a simple matter of being a little creative. Stretch your creative muscles and think out of the box- making a difference simply through every day actions isn’t that difficult if we think a little more differently.